The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
