When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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