Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
