I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
