Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
