He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
