What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize