I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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