Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You ruined the universe
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
