Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
