I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
