Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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