I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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