I just pynch a tree in the face
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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