Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
