You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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