I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
