Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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