My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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