I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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