first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
