The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
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