just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
