If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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