I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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