I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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