She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
