I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
