i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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