Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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