you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
