they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
