so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
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He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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