I love black thongs
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
