life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
