Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
