My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
