I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
