There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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