Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
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WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
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