My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
