She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
