Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
