Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
