Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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