Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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