allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
