Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
