so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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