walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
