i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
