Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
