Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
