so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My balls are so social today.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
