remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
