I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
