just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
