I just pynch a tree in the face
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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